I did this as a personal challenge…I’ve never bought a live lobster in my life. In fact I didn’t even like lobster until a few years ago. Once, my mom made lobster and I couldn’t eat it. The antenna, the eyes. God, it had eyes. It was gross, and staring at me.
But that was a long time ago. Now I quickly get rid of the head, put it where I can no longer see it (like not looking at the needle when you give blood), and concentrate on getting every little morsel of lobster meat out of the shell. How quickly I became a barbarian.
Still, I’d never bought my own lobster and taken it home alive. This was another step along the ‘being comfortable with lobster’ path. So I took my bike to the market. I went into the fish place and asked for two lobsters. They were huge. That’s what the recipe called for – 2 lobsters. 1 1/4 lb each. They all looked the same size to me…must be 1 1/4 lb. Surely all lobsters are sold around the same size? Apparently not, these guys were enormous. I’ll get back to that…
So I took my bag of lobsters, held it at arms length from my body, without seeming like too much of a scaredy cat in front of the fishmongers, and got quickly back to my bike. I put the bag in my back basket and carefully, carefully walked the bike home. I mean, the lobsters were moving. I could just picture a lobster flying out of my basket if I tried to bike with it. They’re getting jostled enough by my walking the bike. They’re going to get cooked, sure, but I think they should be in good condition pre-bath. I thought I heard something about the lobsters tasting better if they’re not stressed. This was certainly stressful.
So I got them home and quickly heated my biggest pot with 3 cups of water, 2 cups of clam juice and 1/2 cup white wine. I don’t think I’ve ever opened a bottle of wine so fast, even when I was a caterer. Except my biggest pot isn’t that big. It’s certainly not a lobster pot, and these were huge lobsters. Are you supposed to put the lobsters in the fridge while you wait for the water to boil? How long are they okay out of water? At least someone had told me you leave the elastic bands on. I should have referenced the Joy of Cooking…
So now the pot was boiling and I’ve got to put the lobsters in. I really didn’t want to touch them with my hands, despite the elastic on their claws, but I thought about it for a second and kitchen tongs certainly weren’t going to cut it with these gargantuan sea creatures. God forbid I ever make octopus. At least that isn’t alive when you buy it.
So I stuck my hand in and got a lobster. Didn’t drop it – it was a miracle – and I put it in the pot. Except it didn’t quite fit. I kind of put it in sideways and it slowly started melting into the pot like pasta…and I kind of helped the claws get inside…but the lid wouldn’t close. This was a nightmare. So I kind of pushed the lid down, guiding the struggling claws into the pot…and I stuck a plate on top of the pot to keep it down. God forbid a lobster jump out at me. It was actually my biggest fear to have a lobster running around my kitchen floor. Kind of like a cockroach. Mice I can handle, spiders sometimes, but lobsters? Nope.
I have a habit of turning down the heat when something’s boiling to let it simmer. I had to remind myself that I wanted to kill this thing as quickly as possible, so leave the heat up. At least it didn’t scream.
I waited nervously for 10 minutes. Couldn’t even prep the carrot, celery, onion and fennel. Too scared. I lifted the pot lid and the lobster looked bright red, like it was supposed to when done…but wasn’t it already red? How am I supposed to judge subtleties in hue at a time like this? Is there a lobster colour guide somewhere? And what if this lobster was bigger than it was supposed to be and took more time? What if I didn’t properly kill it? Isn’t that cruel torture? Lobster rights?
Well it seemed dead…so much for rights. So I took it out and put the second poor guy in. Repeat fear, anxiety, maneuvering, putting the lid on, and pressing down with a plate…It was no less painful the second time.
10 minutes later, two lobsters down, and I felt like the grim reaper.
Then I started in on one the first lobster while the second cooled. I removed the meat from the tail and the claws and threw out the roe and tomalley, chopped the meat and stuck it in the fridge. Then I did the second one. This took forever, because I wanted every little piece. There were scissors involved and knives and I think some swearing.
At least now the hard part was over, and I had more than half a bottle of wine left.
Now I chopped and added 2/3rds of the carrot, onion, fennel and celery (about a cup each) to the murder weapon, aka lobster cooking liquid, along with the lobster shells, a cup of chicken broth, tarragon, thyme, parsley and bay leaves. I brought this to a boil, reduced the heat (finally!) and simmered, partially covered for an hour and a half.
Then I breathed a sigh of relief and had a quarter of a glass of wine.
Now the fun part, I melted a tbsp of butter in a large skillet and added the remaining half cup of carrots, celery, fennel and onion, along with 2 cloves of garlic. 5 minutes later I added a big splash of white wine and cooked until the liquid had almost evaporated. Now I drained the lobster broth through a sieve, discarding the solids. Then I sprinkled the skillet mixture with 2 tbsp of flour to thicken the bisque, and stirred to cook the flour for a minute.
Finally I got to add the lobster broth, which smelled incredible from the intoxicating lobster flavour, clam juice and wine. I also added a cup of chopped potatoes and cooked it all for 20 minutes. Then added a small can of diced tomatoes and cooked another 20 minutes.
By now it was getting late and I was starving. No time to make salad while I was massacring lobsters.
I did the fastest blending job ever, throwing batches of bisque into my blender and then into a large bowl without getting lobster juice all over me (any more than it already was from cracking open two enormous lobsters. I probably smelled like Newfoundland by now. Then back into the pot, where I could finally add the reserved lobster meat (tons!), a cup and a quarter of almond breeze (mmm…creamy…replaced the whipping cream and milk), and 2 tbsp of brandy (well, disaronno. Worked perfectly). Then I cooked it for 5 minutes over medium-low heat, low enough to not burn off the alcohol. No boiling now. I’d done enough boiling for the day. I skipped the chive garnish and sat down with a bowl, and nearly died.
It was absolutely amazing. Everything I hoped it would be. Every bite of lobster meat took about 3 minutes to chew despite being so tender, because there was so much flavour in every mouthful. The liquid was intense, and the disaronno added just enough sweetness without overpowering the lobster’s flavour. It was all worth it just to have the lobster broth. Anything would taste good in the lobster broth.
This is another recipe that you want to make with someone else for two reasons:
1. Moral support
2. To make the lobster shredding go a whole lot faster
Last list: My great accomplishments of the day were:
1. Not having lobster running amok all over my floor
2. Not drinking the rest of the bottle of wine out of nervousness
3. Being patient enough to make it to the end of the recipe
If I can do it, then so can you. Really. Go buy a lobster or 2. What’s the worst that could happen?
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